My Personal Experience With EMDR
Everyone was raving about EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) but I was skeptical and couldn’t understand why “eye movement” or “tapping” or “sounds” would ever change anything for anyone’s trauma history. Although, I’d been providing trauma-focused therapy for years and found there was only so far we could go with healing. There’s no such thing as a magic trick that would suddenly heal trauma. But ya girl is a curious cat. The contrarian in me does like a bit of drama and the training was right in Philadelphia.
During the training, they prepare you that you will be practicing on each other. I planned to process something slightly distressing like road rage or my chronic lateness. These people were strangers, I wasn’t going to bare my soul to them.
Unfortunately (fortunately?) EMDR doesn’t keep you in the shallow end. Thankfully the two other therapists in my group were kind and brilliant and we all supported each other through this process. EMDR utilizes “bilateral simulation” which is a therapeutic technique utilizing eye movement, sounds or tapping to engage both hemispheres of the brain. They have done studies on prolonged trauma exposure and through brain scans found that these folks have less connections between hemispheres. Trauma causes a disconnect as a survival response, but this disconnect leads to us being stuck in our trauma cycles.
EMDR is more structured than “talk therap”y where you break down specific events as such:
- Distressing/traumatic event
- Negative belief about myself attached to the event
- Emotions
- Body sensations
- Worst part of the experience
- Distress scale of 0-10
I truthfully don’t remember what event I chose to focus on, but my negative belief was “I’m unimportant”. This happens sometimes in EMDR where the initial event becomes null because the deeper wounds resurface. I’ve always had this dark loneliness with me. The isolation is a hefty knee to my throat and chest. I did whatever I could to avoid this sensational experience because its honestly terrifying. The worst part being it would bleed into my relationships where I would completely overextend myself. You’re having a bad day? I will listen for hours! You need a ride? Here’s my car! Money? Here’s my card! I was that chick. It seems kind but if I’m being real, it was ridiculous. Was I doing these things out of the kindness of my heart? Partly. But mostly so they would need me and feel I’m important enough to keep around.
We Start the Bi-lateral Stimulation.
My trainee lifts her two fingers and moves them side to side for my eyes to follow.
Memories started to come up. I’m 10 years old and was locked outside my house. I’ve known this memory. It’s there in my conscious, this isn’t new. When I look at it intellectually, it’s fucked up. It was a cruel punishment. My dad locked me out to punish me. He was angry I went into the backyard without asking first. He didn’t like to lose his choke hold over me.
Ok, EMDR, I see you. I’ll step in closer to this memory.
I have bangs and a pony-tail. I was trying to open the door. It was jammed. “They forgot me”. My family left and locked the door. This part of the memory feels new.
Eyes continue back and forth.
Fear and panic of being left behind now move down to a deep pit in my stomach.
Next set of eye movement.
I knock on the door excessively. I call out. No answer. I move around the house and see my dad in the living room smoking his cigarettes. I knock again, screaming. He ignores me.
The pit cements itself. I register this was on purpose. He wanted to lock me out. He wanted to show me his authority. He wanted me out of his house.
Eye movement again.
I look around. I stack garden chairs so I can climb on the roof. I climb the roof and find my bathroom window open to climb into. I am back inside. I have won.
I realize this was one of my early memories of combating my pain. “Fight” was my childhood response so I didn’t feel it. I didn’t have to look at the pain. It worked for a while but combating the pain rather than moving through it was making me a doormat in relationships.
Underneath the feisty kid who climbed on roofs was this sad, lost little girl. She always felt forgotten. And often, she probably was. I’d continued to function this way throughout my adult life. EMDR gave me the comprehension of that deeper wound. I was letting people walk all over me so they would keep me around.
Seeing this little kid was obviously sad and distressing but I was able to stay and watch. Instead of battling the pit, I sank into it and grieved my experience and moved through the traumatic memory. I could tolerate the pain once I gave space for it. EMDR gave me that insight that years of therapy never showed me.
With all of this to say, I hope me sharing my experience can help inspire you. It can be disheartening when you have tried therapy for years and still feel stuck in patterns. There are other options other than talk therapy that can be really helpful! I know they changed my life. I’m now inspired to help others experience a similar healing.
